Musings …

As I sit here pondering the state of the world today, I find myself wondering about why we say things. For example, why do we say that Surrey is leafy? It is only leafy when the trees are in leaf – it’s winter now, so there are no leaves! That reminds me, if all the world’s a stage, then where do the audience sit?

The weather in the last day or so has been truly dreadful. Wind and rain have battered Scotland and even here in the south-east it has been pretty dreadful. If we have been battered, are we now fish? It is all very confusing! I understand that it is very frightening but that brings me to another thought – what happens if you get scared half to death twice? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? There’s a problem here with this language stuff.

Take for example, the difference between other languages and our own. Now, who remembers the Vauxhall Nova? What idiot at Vauxhall Motors thought, ‘I know, I’ll come up with a name that means ‘Won’t Go’ in Spanish? Or the person at Volkswagen who actually named a car the ‘Volkswagen Thing’! No imagination spent there then! Or finally, what about the plonker as bright as an Alaskan December at Mazda who named a car ‘LaPuta’ – the prostitute in Spanish! I guess one ought to mention the Mitsubushi Pajero – but you’d better Google that one, (Mitsubushi Pajero Spanish)!

I have long argued that beef is one of my five a day. Cows eat grass and I eat cows therefore I am eating grass. I found a picture on the interweb that confirms this point, it reads, ‘I’m a second hand vegetarian. Cow eats grass and I eat cow’. I think that confirms what I have always said. Beef is definitely one of my five a day.

Talking of my five a day. I have worked out that we are all being totally misled. We are told that we must consume five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. There is nothing that says HOW I should consume them. So, if I have steak and chips, washed down by a glass of red wine and then finished off with a whisky, I have had at least xx of my five a day. Let me explain. The chips come from potatoes that are grown in the ground. That is one of my five a day. In order that they are more healthy they are cooked in vegetable fat. Obviously some of this is absorbed into the chips, so this is the second of my five a day. The beef comes from cows that eat grass. I consume the beef, so that is embedded grass which is three of my five a day. Normally I have a little tomato ketchup with my chips, but although this is clearly one of my five a day with the tomato, I won’t count it today. The wine is made from grapes which are grown in the ground. That’s four of my five a day. The grapes are fermented and the sugar, (yes, that’s number five of my five a day), turn to alcohol. As I finish my meal and finish it off with a small libation of whisky, I realise that in one meal I have consumed at least seven of my five a day. The whisky is made from grains, (which are clearly grown in the ground), which is number six of my five a day. And finally, the whisky is made by adding fermented yeast which everyone knows is a actually a member of the fungi family, so that’s it. Seven of my five a day all in one meal. Excellent! Now I can eat what I like for the rest of the day! It’s RudyMenTerry!